Ready or not...

Like I often am, I am a walking (or should I say waddling) contradiction right now.  My emotions are being torn in two different directions.

On one hand, I am finding it very hard to focus on anything at school.  I want to make sure she has everything she needs and everything is organized so that when she gets here we'll have everything ready to go.  I'm ready to be home with this child and not have to worry about the day to day things I now have to battle.  I am also hitting the uncomfortable point.  My feet are swollen, my hips are being broken apart, and I am just big!  I know it could be much worse and I am so grateful for how easy this pregnancy has been, but all good things must come to an end.  It's just like when you are 18 and you are supposed to not get along with your parents for a while so that you have the urge to move out and move on.  I am supposed to get uncomfortable and be in pain so that I'm ready for her to move out of me and into this big ole world we live in!  Jack coming to meet us has made me want her to be here even more!  I can't wait to smell her and fall asleep with her on my chest and see her smile and laugh for the first time.  I also can't wait to see what she looks like and learn about the person she is going to become. 

On the other hand, I don't know that I really know what I'm getting myself into!!  I have always been around kids and feel pretty confident about taking care of one and loving one, but she is going to depend solely on me (for a while while she has rack time (thanks for coining that one, Will Hege)) to nurture her and give her what she needs to grow.  I am going to have to sacrifice my body to get her here and to feed her for the first few months of her life.  The unknown is what makes me hesitant.  Will I make it through labor ok?  Will she be healthy?  Will she grow and develop like she should?  Can I take care of her like she deserves to be taken care of?  Will Jason + I be the parents that right now we believe we will be?  Will I be a hard ass like I want to be so that she grows up the best little lady she can be?  Will I be able to go back to work in August after 5 months with her?  I keep trying to tell myself that this pregnancy has been fun and easy and that at some point she will be out of me.  Other people will hold her and other people will care for her and I'm going to have to find a way to get used to that.  Right now I am her sole provider.  I feed her, I give her what she needs, I know when she is awake and moving and I don't have to share her with anyone.  Is that selfish?  Of course it is.  But this is such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things so I want to cherish it. 

Regardless of my emotions, we have four weeks from this Friday until my due date and like I have said over and over again...'Ready or not, here she comes!'  We did what we needed to do to get her into this world and she is coming, regardless of my hesitations.  I have a few more weeks to enjoy just the two of us and then the rest of the world will get to experience my sweet little girl.  Her daddy will finally get to hold her like he has been anxious to do since we found out she was coming.  Will we screw up along the way?  I can promise you we will.  Are some of my worries going to be founded?  Sure.  But I can promise her this one thing - her daddy and I love each other more than anything in this world and she is coming into a household that is happy for her to be there and she will certainly know what it feels like to be loved, even when we're not perfect.